How to Find the Silver Lining When Things Go Wrong

In many cases of divorce, the party seeking the split may be the only one who wants out of the marriage.

The other spouse may still be very much in love and committed to making it work and never dreamed that divorce was looming. When children are added to the mix, it becomes even more complicated. Staying positive about the changing dynamics of the most important relationship in your life can be a real challenge, but it is a goal worth striving for.  Seeking out a Wake County divorce attorney is a good first step to help you through the process.

Keep It Away From the Kids
Childhood carries its own set of insecurities that children must learn to integrate and manage successfully, and when parents divorce, it naturally affects them and adds more stress to their lives. Below are some ways to minimize the impact on their lives.

  • To the best of both parents’ ability, keep your children’s routines the same. Children crave continuity, and avoiding disruptions will help them feel more at ease.
  • Any discussions regarding the divorce and custody arrangements with the other spouse, attorneys or others should be made out of earshot of the children. When you speak with the other parent in their presence, keep it civil.
  • Don’t shut your spouse out of their children’s lives. It may cause a child to believe that their parent doesn’t love them anymore. If speaking with your spouse is still too painful, use email or an intermediary to relay important information.

Benefits of Co-Parenting
Experts agree that children of divorce do better when both spouses agree to co-parent, which basically means that you and your ex agree to set aside your differences for the well-being of your children. Try these suggestions to provide a healthy, nurturing environment for your kids in both parent’s homes.

  • Your kids are not messengers, so don’t use them as such to communicate with your ex.
  • When you have a conversation with your ex, refrain from making demands. Make requests by using phrases like, “Could we try . . .” and “Are you willing to . . .”
  • Agree on discipline policies for the kids as much as possible. Try to avoid having one set of rules at Mom’s and another at Dad’s. There can be slight discrepancies to better suit different lifestyles, but what is tolerated and the consequences of any misbehavior should be closely aligned.

Childless Divorces Hurt, Too
Even in divorces where there are no children, issues of community property, spousal support and shared debt still must be resolved. Both parties should retain competent counsel familiar with the ins and outs of the court system and who can best advise you on ways to protect your assets. This is not a time to get blindsided financially, so make sure to remove your spouse’s name from joint accounts and set up your own in your name only. Mediation may be helpful during discussions of the final disposition of shared property to help set a calm and neutral tone.

If you find yourself stuck in the sadness or anger phase of the divorce, a few sessions with a counselor can help you sort out your feelings regarding the divorce and help you find your path toward a new life that doesn’t include your former partner. Try not to rush into rebound relationships out of desperation or fear of being alone. Those relationships are usually doomed for failure because they are entered into for all the wrong reasons.

When you do move on with another, do your best to respect your ex’s feelings by not rubbing their nose in your new-found happiness while they may still be struggling with conflicting feelings regarding the divorce. And if your ex is the first to move on, behave with dignity and retain yourself respect.

There is life after divorce. It’s up to you to get out there and live it.

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